I used to experience the worst mum guilt all the time. Is this something that you struggle with? I am here to help you embrace self compassion and break free from the chains of mum guilt!
Do you ever go to bed at night and just think ‘damn, they spent too much time on their iPads, too much time watching tv, I shouted and lost my patience far too easily’?
Well news flash, you’re not alone. If you’re worrying about whether you’re a good mum that would probably be the first sign that would indicate you’re doing a damn good job! Do you think bad mums worry about if they’re doing a good job? Of course not because a truly bad mum wouldn’t care.
Mum guilt is a horrible feeling that stems from the belief that you are not doing enough as a mother. Sometimes these feelings grow from societal pressures but a lot of the time they just come from the unrealistic standard that as mothers we have set for ourselves.
The number of times I have been talking to a mum and they have referenced mum guilt for doing some self-care, or for having fun with their friends. It’s crazy, because why shouldn’t we allow ourselves a break? By having time to look after yourself it’s going to improve your overall mood, and that’s going to rub off on your children. So, to hell with mum guilt. Go out. Have fun. Laugh. Recharge your energy, and that is what is going to make you the best mum you can be.
Look I’m not blowing my own trumpet but some days I am a literal domestic Goddess, I get up I do all my housework, I do the washing, drying, ironing, I cook a delicious meal for my family, and I have the motivation to really engage with my children. While other days I wake up in a stinking ass mood, have zero patience for anyone or anything, the housework is neglected, it’s a crappy meal for dinner, and every single little thing seems to leave me feeling overstimulated. And you know what? That’s okay, you’re allowed to have an off day and that doesn’t make you a bad mum, being a mother is one of the hardest jobs in the world, and its 24/7, and comes with no salary.
You are a maid to these little humans, a teacher, a cook, a protector and yet you expect nothing in return for this? Their love is all you require, and still you’re feeling guilty and inadequate because they spent a little too much time watching Bluey, give yourself a break.
Mum guilt presents itself for so many different reasons. If like me not only, do you feel like a bad mum if your kids get too much screen time, or if you’ve shouted a little too much but also if you invest any time or money on you. So, listen up do not feel guilty when you do something for you, or buy yourself a new top, I repeat do not feel guilty.
You deserve nice things too, yes, I know ‘oh I don’t care what I have or what I look like as long as my child looks perfect’, and you’re right they deserve the world but girl, so do you.
Here are some ideas to keep those feelings of guilt at bay, firstly, practice self-compassion: remind yourself that you’re doing your best, and it’s okay if you mess up along the way.
Secondly, set realistic expectations for your day, don’t worry about getting it all done at once, the love and safety you provide is really all your children require.
Debunk the myth of the 'perfect mother'
Honestly I have had friends ask me 'how do you do it'. Which baffles me because I'm struggling through the maze of motherhood as much as everyone else. Some days I shout too much, some days my kids get frozen pizza or hot dogs for supper, and some days I can hardly be bothered to get out my bed.
Nobody is perfect and always remember when you're looking at someone's life through Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat stories or TikTok's they're only showing you their highlight reel... And how do I know this? Because I do it too. We are all guilty of it but seem to think when looking at someone else's reel that theirs is genuine. Don't get me wrong they are genuine moments but that isn't a representation of every minute of my day.
And finally, remember it’s quality over quantity, you may have a million responsibilities pulling you in every possible direction, but relax its not all about the amount of time you are able to spend with your children it’s the quality.
As mothers, I don’t think we can ever totally silence the little voice from within who tells us we haven’t done a good enough job. So, instead of beating ourselves up about it- how about we use it to our advantage and think of it as a good thing?
When you have these feeling of guilt, try and think of them as not something to feel fault over, but something to push us to always try our best.
Here I am preaching to you to get over the mum guilt and honestly while I am miles better than I used to be it is still something I battle with regularly. I used to get mum guilt over the smallest of things. I would feel guilt for going to work, and yes, I can tell myself that I’m doing it for them, but that part of your brain that likes to niggle away at you and tell you that you’re not good enough preys on your fear that you aren’t being the best mum you can be.
But you know what I have to say to that little voice, I am a good mother, and screw you mum guilt. I may sometimes lose my patience and some days my kids get a little more screen time than I care to admit, but they know they are loved beyond measure, and that I always try my best, and that is all any of us can do.
I think its so important to realise that mums need fun too, why are we hard wired to think that we must spend 24/7 with our children or they're being neglected. They will be completely fine without you for a night here and there. So let's say goodbye mum guilt and focus on the fact that we deserve time off.
PS. Don’t forget to celebrate the small victories along the way: your kid ate a piece of broccoli today without a three-hour session at the dinner table – wow they are amazing, and so are you mama!
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